I don’t have appropriate words to respond to this story. It’s heartbreaking and infuriating. I’m grateful that you shared it; it must have taken a great deal of courage. Thank you.
Thank you, Krispin, for sharing so generously, candidly, and courageously about your experience. The details of my family are different, of course, but at every step, your parents' responses felt so dang familiar. For most of my adult life, I have effectively been low contact with my parents but as my parents age, I struggle in a new way with the dilemma of explaining the reasons I need that distance (a useless exercise as you mentioned in the podcast) vs never challenging their version of events (and thus feeling like I'm betraying myself). And what do we do with the compassion we feel for our parents who bought into religious authoritarian parenting so completely and have been so betrayed by it? None of its promises have come true. But what would that conversation even look like? At any rate, I agree that as difficult as the role of the black sheep is, life is so much better outside the system!
Yeah, its definitely a complex process, and trying to figure out that dilemma of being authentic, but not wanting conflict that just feels pointless or repetitive.
Thank you for being willing to talk about this. It’s so helpful to realize these fundy Christian family systems will always blame the child. If you choose to speak up and say that’s not right, it’s always your problem. Because it can never be a family problem. That would mean it’s a religion problem. And the religion is never wrong. People are estranged partly because they can’t compete with their parents religion. It will always come before their kids.
I’m trying to understand why not going to a wedding is such a big deal. When I didn’t go to my niece’s wedding reception that was after her wedding ceremony that I did attend, my mom was horrified. She called me the next day and unleashed a barrage of reasons why I have disappointed her throughout my lifetime. I was completely blindsided. That is actually the event that prompted me on this path of figuring out what is going on in my family.
My kids’ pediatrician had counseled us on not going to the wedding at all. This was during the height of Covid. We took the risk of going to the ceremony (taking the recommended precautions of the time) but not the reception with plenty of notice to my family, letting them know well in advance of the date they needed a headcount for the food, which was completely catered.
No one expressed disappointment that we weren’t planning to attend, except my mom kept telling me we had to go no matter what and seemed shocked and was so angry when we really didn’t go to the reception.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am 17 years into a no-contact situation with my father, and it felt so lonely for many years. I was coached to return to a toxic relationship because “he’s your father, and you only get one.” I don’t regret standing my ground. Listening to your story reminded me that there are more of us in estrangement dynamics than we sometimes realize.
This was a hard, emotional, at times infuriating listen. Thank you for making yourself vulnerable and opening up and sharing your experience. While the abuse in my own family was not sexual in nature I still found many common threads that I have been sorting through in my own journey. Religious authoritarian parents have a lot in common, foremost their uncanny ability to manipulate our emotions.
My biggest takeaway: not until now has it really sunk in that the Biblical norms of forgiveness and reconciliation have been *weaponized* to keep us where they want us, forever pliant, submissive, obedient children without autonomy. It's not an ask; it's a demand. Good people forgive, bad people hold grudges. Good people bring their complaint directly to the person who wronged them, bad people hide away and cut off contact without giving the perpetrator a chance to defend themself. The "healing fantasy" as Lindsay Gibson calls it is a trap. It's a one-way street and an invitation to be bulldozed into submission.
Also chewing on what you said about unconditional love. Lots to think about. Looking forward to hearing from D.L.
I don’t have appropriate words to respond to this story. It’s heartbreaking and infuriating. I’m grateful that you shared it; it must have taken a great deal of courage. Thank you.
aw, thank you so much!
Thank you, Krispin, for sharing so generously, candidly, and courageously about your experience. The details of my family are different, of course, but at every step, your parents' responses felt so dang familiar. For most of my adult life, I have effectively been low contact with my parents but as my parents age, I struggle in a new way with the dilemma of explaining the reasons I need that distance (a useless exercise as you mentioned in the podcast) vs never challenging their version of events (and thus feeling like I'm betraying myself). And what do we do with the compassion we feel for our parents who bought into religious authoritarian parenting so completely and have been so betrayed by it? None of its promises have come true. But what would that conversation even look like? At any rate, I agree that as difficult as the role of the black sheep is, life is so much better outside the system!
Yeah, its definitely a complex process, and trying to figure out that dilemma of being authentic, but not wanting conflict that just feels pointless or repetitive.
Thank you for being willing to talk about this. It’s so helpful to realize these fundy Christian family systems will always blame the child. If you choose to speak up and say that’s not right, it’s always your problem. Because it can never be a family problem. That would mean it’s a religion problem. And the religion is never wrong. People are estranged partly because they can’t compete with their parents religion. It will always come before their kids.
I’m trying to understand why not going to a wedding is such a big deal. When I didn’t go to my niece’s wedding reception that was after her wedding ceremony that I did attend, my mom was horrified. She called me the next day and unleashed a barrage of reasons why I have disappointed her throughout my lifetime. I was completely blindsided. That is actually the event that prompted me on this path of figuring out what is going on in my family.
My kids’ pediatrician had counseled us on not going to the wedding at all. This was during the height of Covid. We took the risk of going to the ceremony (taking the recommended precautions of the time) but not the reception with plenty of notice to my family, letting them know well in advance of the date they needed a headcount for the food, which was completely catered.
No one expressed disappointment that we weren’t planning to attend, except my mom kept telling me we had to go no matter what and seemed shocked and was so angry when we really didn’t go to the reception.
Oh, the optics! Yes. I just needed to keep listening. There’s the/an answer.
DL is so insightful :)
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am 17 years into a no-contact situation with my father, and it felt so lonely for many years. I was coached to return to a toxic relationship because “he’s your father, and you only get one.” I don’t regret standing my ground. Listening to your story reminded me that there are more of us in estrangement dynamics than we sometimes realize.
This was a hard, emotional, at times infuriating listen. Thank you for making yourself vulnerable and opening up and sharing your experience. While the abuse in my own family was not sexual in nature I still found many common threads that I have been sorting through in my own journey. Religious authoritarian parents have a lot in common, foremost their uncanny ability to manipulate our emotions.
My biggest takeaway: not until now has it really sunk in that the Biblical norms of forgiveness and reconciliation have been *weaponized* to keep us where they want us, forever pliant, submissive, obedient children without autonomy. It's not an ask; it's a demand. Good people forgive, bad people hold grudges. Good people bring their complaint directly to the person who wronged them, bad people hide away and cut off contact without giving the perpetrator a chance to defend themself. The "healing fantasy" as Lindsay Gibson calls it is a trap. It's a one-way street and an invitation to be bulldozed into submission.
Also chewing on what you said about unconditional love. Lots to think about. Looking forward to hearing from D.L.
I am so so sorry, friend. Thank you so much for sharing. I hope it brings you some healing. So much love to you both!!
thanks Marla, it was definitely meaningful to talk about it!
p.s. I'm so glad y'all have sweet Fern. I love her. xx
Thank you for this vulnerable offering!