I’ve been estranged from my family for 8 years. My narcissistic mother was my abuser but it’s also all tied into white Christian nationalist propaganda. The part at the end about their propaganda vs learning from actual professionals…”They think so little of me that they think my actual core values, beliefs and thoughts that I've carefully thought about, don't come from me at all. And I'm just willfully latching onto propaganda. So to me, I'm now like, anytime they say that, I'm just like, wow, you really don't know me, and you think so little of me and my intellect.” OMG that gave me language to my feelings. They are so indoctrinated by their propaganda, they think that all the reading and research I do from credible sources to develop my own views and beliefs about the world, is the same as theirs. And I work SO HARD to learn from people smarter than me, that it truly HURTS SO DEEPLY that they belittle my intensely intentional learning. Dang. Thank you for this.
As our son will soon be turning 3, I told my husband we shouldn't leave him unattended with my parents anymore. He's at an age where my mom will try to start indoctrinating him, so we've had to go even more low contact.
On one hand, it's hard because we used to rely on them to watch him for an hour here and there because we both work. On the other hand, it's easy because I can barely stand to look at them since the inauguration.
"...something that I often hear is that point of estrangement, a lot of times there's already been an emotional estrangement that has existed for a long time. And it's really just making that emotional and internal reality more explicit."
Yes yes yes. So much of this episode spoke to me (Limbaugh Dad in particular, and "apologist for death" is doing some heavy work), but this was so validating to hear. Going no-contact is not a negotiating tactic, and neither is it a means to punish our parents; it's a reflection of a relationship at an ever-widening impasse. It's an acknowledgment that the real you and the version of you that they require you to be to maintain the illusion of a relationship are in irreconcilable conflict, and that continuing on as two different people to satisfy them is both untenable and extremely unhealthy.
It didn't happen overnight for me, either. There wasn't one big blowout where we laid everything on the table and went our separate ways. It was their willful inability to see me as an individual with autonomy and agency. It was their being taken aback every time I expressed myself--my likes, my needs, my ambitions. It was the constant infantalizing and refusing to accept that I am a fellow adult. It was all the walking on eggshells and self-censoring of what I really think and believe so as to not upset *them*...while at the same time they belittled and devalued *my* emotions. It was the dread of hearing my phone ding with a text because it might be the one asking me to call and keep up the charade and bite my tongue while enduring another white Christian nationalist monologue.
At some point we just can't do it anymore. Estrangement is a desperate act of self-care and self-preservation that's made only after exhausting all other options. And...it's *okay*.
I’ve been estranged from my family for 8 years. My narcissistic mother was my abuser but it’s also all tied into white Christian nationalist propaganda. The part at the end about their propaganda vs learning from actual professionals…”They think so little of me that they think my actual core values, beliefs and thoughts that I've carefully thought about, don't come from me at all. And I'm just willfully latching onto propaganda. So to me, I'm now like, anytime they say that, I'm just like, wow, you really don't know me, and you think so little of me and my intellect.” OMG that gave me language to my feelings. They are so indoctrinated by their propaganda, they think that all the reading and research I do from credible sources to develop my own views and beliefs about the world, is the same as theirs. And I work SO HARD to learn from people smarter than me, that it truly HURTS SO DEEPLY that they belittle my intensely intentional learning. Dang. Thank you for this.
As our son will soon be turning 3, I told my husband we shouldn't leave him unattended with my parents anymore. He's at an age where my mom will try to start indoctrinating him, so we've had to go even more low contact.
On one hand, it's hard because we used to rely on them to watch him for an hour here and there because we both work. On the other hand, it's easy because I can barely stand to look at them since the inauguration.
"...something that I often hear is that point of estrangement, a lot of times there's already been an emotional estrangement that has existed for a long time. And it's really just making that emotional and internal reality more explicit."
Yes yes yes. So much of this episode spoke to me (Limbaugh Dad in particular, and "apologist for death" is doing some heavy work), but this was so validating to hear. Going no-contact is not a negotiating tactic, and neither is it a means to punish our parents; it's a reflection of a relationship at an ever-widening impasse. It's an acknowledgment that the real you and the version of you that they require you to be to maintain the illusion of a relationship are in irreconcilable conflict, and that continuing on as two different people to satisfy them is both untenable and extremely unhealthy.
It didn't happen overnight for me, either. There wasn't one big blowout where we laid everything on the table and went our separate ways. It was their willful inability to see me as an individual with autonomy and agency. It was their being taken aback every time I expressed myself--my likes, my needs, my ambitions. It was the constant infantalizing and refusing to accept that I am a fellow adult. It was all the walking on eggshells and self-censoring of what I really think and believe so as to not upset *them*...while at the same time they belittled and devalued *my* emotions. It was the dread of hearing my phone ding with a text because it might be the one asking me to call and keep up the charade and bite my tongue while enduring another white Christian nationalist monologue.
At some point we just can't do it anymore. Estrangement is a desperate act of self-care and self-preservation that's made only after exhausting all other options. And...it's *okay*.
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