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D.L. Mayfield's avatar

I can feel how hard it is to think about some of these questions (and the taboo against answering them in a semi-public space). For me, I have a very strained relationship with my parents currently in part because they really want to "agree to disagree" about things like rights for trans people in order to have a relationship. When in childhood, of course, I was never allowed to agree to disagree.

My parents would love to have a surface-level relationship with me but unfortunately I have had access to all of their conservative political views non-stop for almost 4 decades. I understand their worldview completely and intimately, and I don't respect it at all.

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Kay's avatar

Self-esteem has been such a tricky concept for me. 15 years ago, I would have told you I had great self-esteem. However, looking back I can see how it was more of a contingent self-esteem, based on achievement and external expectations or even being “better” than my peers. This led me to live a sort of “super-Christian” life where I worked in full-time ministry, went on “missions” trips to dangerous places, and studied biblical studies at a Christian university. I consistently sought out, and did, the hardest thing I could imagine doing for god (thank you, Jesus Freak mentality). This pseudo self-esteem required every ounce of my energy as a neurodivergent kid with additional learning disabilities. Eventually my body would say “no more”, and burnout would aggressively invite me into rest and undoing.

There has been a slow shift, as I have deconstructed and lost favor with conservative evangelical circles, to base my self-esteem on my values and how I align with them. In many ways, I would say I have even ditched the concept of self-esteem in favor of common humanity and self-compassion. This feels like a much sturdier base for me.

On a cognitive level, I would say I now know my value and believe all parts of me are to be met with love, compassion, and curiosity. However, the emotional learning of my “badness” still lives on, deep in my nervous system as an unwelcome guest and constant companion. I believe this learning can heal and, on somedays, I even believe it will. But I hold this hope loosely while I embrace a life-long posture gentle healing and learning.

Currently, my parents lack respect for my views and values, and I believe many of their beliefs are deeply harmful to vulnerable communities (including myself). I still want to have a relationship with them…and I don’t. I want them to change… and I see no evidence that they ever will. I want my kiddo to have relationship with them and I want to protect who he is and who he will become. Push and pull- hope and grief.

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