I am so grateful for SW’s ongoing work, especially as it relates to estrangement.
I went no-contact with my father over five years ago and it’s still something I wrestle with internally, despite how much more at peace & regulated I feel without him in my life or having access to me. I grew up a pastor’s kid and realized after I had my daughter almost eight years ago how fucked up my childhood was. My father went from church to church to church, uprooting us time & time again, because it was the will of the lord for us to minister to new communities. Turns out my father is a raging narcissist who must have the validation of new people constantly, no matter the toll it took on his family. He continues (as far as I know) to travel around to different communities (including communities in Africa that apparently deeply need his white savior complex), “ministering” to them. What I ultimately could not continue to participate in, as an adult, was attempting a semblance of a relationship with him while he continued the pattern of my childhood — prioritizing his ministry over his actual children.
It is so interesting reading this right now, because I am currently debating how to proceed in my relationship with my parents. I think that when I came out, my parents tried to “discuss” things with me. After some intense conversations and some no-contact time, my parents do seem to make an effort to stay connected to me and my wife, but our relationship is very shallow. I decided a couple years ago that I would not and could not be vulnerable with my parents, as they have not shown themselves to be trustworthy with my vulnerable parts. Now, I see them in the “don’t talk about politics” era, and I am debating if I want to put up with it. My sisters have all left evangelicalism, but I don’t know that they have deconstructed it down to the nitty gritty that Strongwilled is demonstrating, and so I remain in contact with my parents for the sake of my sisters.
For Valentine’s Day, my parents sent my wife and me a card and some chocolate with notes that said “we hope you know how loved you are” and “we pray for you both every day,” and I am sure that they love me in their way. I’m just not sure if that way is enough.
Once again you've put words to the goopy, uncomfortable feelings I have when I interact with may parents. Like I'm struggling to get back to the surface after being thrown into deep water. It is so hard to find my own voice when I'm around them. The programming kicks in and I haven't yet figured out how to snap out of it. So my strategy is to limit my contact with them, keep up pretenses in the DMZ, and not expect any kind of empathy or depth in our relationship. I'm not yet ready to walk away completely, so it's validating to hear your other options for how to navigate this space.
I agreed with what you say. I find for myself a lack of feeling close and understood (or even a sense that my parents have curiosity about what I think or why) it's understood that despite their best efforts somehow I grew up to be "a liberal" which consternates them but is not discussed. For a while I was resentful that my parents "got saved" as young adults whereas I was raised in the thick of evangelicalism.
That dynamic of turning to ministry rather than actually being present and engaged and responsive to kids feels like it happens fairly regularly 😞
I am so grateful for SW’s ongoing work, especially as it relates to estrangement.
I went no-contact with my father over five years ago and it’s still something I wrestle with internally, despite how much more at peace & regulated I feel without him in my life or having access to me. I grew up a pastor’s kid and realized after I had my daughter almost eight years ago how fucked up my childhood was. My father went from church to church to church, uprooting us time & time again, because it was the will of the lord for us to minister to new communities. Turns out my father is a raging narcissist who must have the validation of new people constantly, no matter the toll it took on his family. He continues (as far as I know) to travel around to different communities (including communities in Africa that apparently deeply need his white savior complex), “ministering” to them. What I ultimately could not continue to participate in, as an adult, was attempting a semblance of a relationship with him while he continued the pattern of my childhood — prioritizing his ministry over his actual children.
It is so interesting reading this right now, because I am currently debating how to proceed in my relationship with my parents. I think that when I came out, my parents tried to “discuss” things with me. After some intense conversations and some no-contact time, my parents do seem to make an effort to stay connected to me and my wife, but our relationship is very shallow. I decided a couple years ago that I would not and could not be vulnerable with my parents, as they have not shown themselves to be trustworthy with my vulnerable parts. Now, I see them in the “don’t talk about politics” era, and I am debating if I want to put up with it. My sisters have all left evangelicalism, but I don’t know that they have deconstructed it down to the nitty gritty that Strongwilled is demonstrating, and so I remain in contact with my parents for the sake of my sisters.
For Valentine’s Day, my parents sent my wife and me a card and some chocolate with notes that said “we hope you know how loved you are” and “we pray for you both every day,” and I am sure that they love me in their way. I’m just not sure if that way is enough.
thank you so much for sharing this. just really powerful.
Once again you've put words to the goopy, uncomfortable feelings I have when I interact with may parents. Like I'm struggling to get back to the surface after being thrown into deep water. It is so hard to find my own voice when I'm around them. The programming kicks in and I haven't yet figured out how to snap out of it. So my strategy is to limit my contact with them, keep up pretenses in the DMZ, and not expect any kind of empathy or depth in our relationship. I'm not yet ready to walk away completely, so it's validating to hear your other options for how to navigate this space.
I agreed with what you say. I find for myself a lack of feeling close and understood (or even a sense that my parents have curiosity about what I think or why) it's understood that despite their best efforts somehow I grew up to be "a liberal" which consternates them but is not discussed. For a while I was resentful that my parents "got saved" as young adults whereas I was raised in the thick of evangelicalism.