Chapter 14: It’s Not Just Political

5 Myths about Rifts Between Exvangelicals and Their Parents

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Feb 09, 2025

Welcome to STRONGWILLED, a multi-media publication aimed at helping survivors of religious authoritarian parenting methods build autonomy and find solidarity. We know it has been an incredibly stressful few weeks as religious authoritarians are actively engaged in a hostile takeover of the United States government. Today, we hope our post will encourage people who are in the thick of resisting oppressive actions gain some insight into how totalitarian worldviews lead to estrangement. As always, this is a survivor-led and survivor-supported endeavor. Thank you so much for allowing us to continue to do this work and research.

It’s Not Just Political: 5 Myths about Rifts Between Exvangelicals and Their Parents

“Don’t cast aside family members and lifelong friendships. Politics is not worth it, and I think if we follow that principle, we’ll heal the divide in this country.”
-J.D. Vance1

Political rifts in families are not new and they have the potential to slowly — or rapidly, ferociously — undermine the safety and connection in a relationship. While political is an easy term to throw around these days, perhaps ideology is a more accurate way to describe the all-encompassing oppressive worldview of people like white evangelicals. So why isn’t this talked about more often? What happens when parents hold different — and damaging — political ideologies rooted in the oppression of others?

By and large, family therapists in the United States have tried to find ways for parents and their adult children to maintain connection despite political, religious, or other differences.

For example, Karl Pillimer, PhD, author of Fault Lines, a book about family estrangement, has said:

“If the prior relationship was relatively close (or at least not conflictual), I think there is evidence that many family members can restore the relationship [around political differences]. It does involve, however, agreeing on a ‘demilitarised zone’ in which politics cannot be discussed.”2

Kathy McCoy, Phd author of, We Don't Talk Anymore: Healing after Parents and Their Adult Children Become Estranged wrote: “Relationships are precious. Political crises pass. It's the love in our lives that needs to be treasured and nurtured,” suggesting an approach where, “I don’t want to know your political beliefs and I won’t tell you mine…I just want to focus on love and peace and the memories and beliefs we do share. Nothing else is truly important.”3

And just after the 2024 election, heading into the holiday season, Kimberly Horn Ed.D wrote in a PsychologyToday article:

“Protect your peace by steering discussions toward shared interests or holiday traditions…Politely request upfront that the family agree to keep politics off the table...If someone brings up a contentious topic, redirect the discussion to something neutral or joyful, such as reminiscing about past holidays, sharing funny stories, or talking about plans for the new year.”4

These all reflect a cultural bias, a version of “blood is thicker than water,” based on the belief that it is better to focus on good memories, shared “love” and relationship rather than materially harmful ideologies. This bias in effect makes a cultural value judgment promoting the idea that biological ties are more important than politics when it comes to healthy, safe, and secure relationships. For so many children of religious authoritarian parents, the cultural discourse that is biased towards biological ties adds to the confusion as they try to sort out what kind of relationship they want with their parents — or if they want one at all. Many of us have a voice in the back of our minds, asking us: Are you really going to let politics get in the way of your relationships?

But to prioritize “unity” over politics preserves the status quo and supports existing power structures. This mindset not only downplays politics’ impact on marginalized groups but also allows those who “don’t let politics get in the way of relationships” to feel morally superior while actively upholding oppressive systems.5

There’s also an element of emotional gaslighting that arises with the idea that politics don’t have to impact your relationships. It’s a confusing message because for most of us, politics very much do impact our relationships. As much as we might wish otherwise, ideologies and their political implications inevitably shape relationships and society as whole. Pretending politics can be set apart from relationships demands compartmentalization, leading to internal conflict and a denial of the real impact. Trying to exclude politics from personal connections creates emotional and mental dissonance that contradicts the reality of our lived experience, and it always ends up benefiting those who are abusing and oppressing others in an unjust system.

When it comes to the conversation about estrangement and politics, at least in the context of white evangelicalism, there are five common myths that we regularly come across:

Myth #1: The United States does not have a totalitarian problem.

Discussions about estrangement and family rifts often overlook the profound influence of high-control religion and its totalizing nature on family systems in the United States. We have not, as society, recognized that large portions of the US population hold a robust totalitarian ideology, and that this ideology impacts all arenas of a person’s life6.

Totalitarianism is often talked about in the context of governments, but on an individual level it is a worldview/ideology that is concerned with taking over every single element of a person’s life. It aims to rule not just the outward behaviors of a person but the inner world as well — policing people from without and from within (often utilizing terror7). At STRONGWILLED, we believe white evangelicalism is a totalizing worldview and we focus on just one element of it here: namely, parenting methods. In this evangelical world, parenting methods were rigidly geared toward raising obedient children that would take on the worldview of their parents. But parenting is only one aspect of the all-encompassing control that white evangelicalism enacts on its members. Every element of their life is connected to their beliefs about themselves, God, and the world.

Here is a 4 minute long video that explains how totalizing an evangelical worldview is — from Focus on the Family itself.

From the video:

“One of the effects of a comprehensive and systematic Biblical worldview is that you are not as easy to fool. The effect we want to have on people is that they have that ability to discern and to be able to fend off those lies and illusions that bombard them in every corner of life.”

“I guess in the end what we are really after is that we will see God’s people hunger after him. That they will continually be formed more and more to the image of Christ. And what that means is, when He weeps, we weep. What He calls evil, we see as evil8. What He calls glorious and good, we see as glorious and good.”

The effect of these stated goals is that any information conflicting with Focus on the Family’s ideology is preemptively framed as deceptive, dangerous, or evil. By positioning their “Biblical worldview” as the ultimate safeguard against being “fooled,” they use a rigid framework where those who accept their teachings are deemed discerning and wise, while those who question or challenge them are seen as misled, deceived — or evil. This framing discourages critical engagement with outside perspectives, making it difficult for followers to entertain alternative viewpoints without feeling they are compromising their faith.

This demanded loyalty to a “biblical worldview” has a huge impact on family dynamics: white evangelicalism’s totalizing ideology operates as more than just a set of beliefs — it functions as an active force within the family structure, an invisible yet dominant participant shaping relational dynamics. Often, it acts as a triangulating presence, pulling family members into alignment with its values and creating loyalty binds that prohibit parents from truly engaging with their adult children. When this influence goes unrecognized, common advice about reconciliation or boundary-setting fails to address the deeper systemic pressures at play. Understanding estrangement within this framework requires acknowledging not just individual conflicts but the ways in which totalitarian ideology itself structures family roles and power, and limiting open dialogue and options for reconciliation.

Dark blue book cover that says Christian worldview for Children: Training the hearts and minds of children to follow Christ. There is a blonde white woman with two blonde kids reading the bible. the forward is by candace cameron burre

Myth #2: Politics are not personal.

Following the 2016 election, I (Krispin) spent an evening with an extended relative that I hadn’t seen in a couple of years. We’d grown up together, but despite living near one another, didn’t find many occasions to spend time together. We caught up quickly on jobs and family, and soon found ourselves talking about politics.

At that time, I was connected with our refugee neighbors, and the Muslim Ban was impacting these friends. My relative wanted to debate the merits of the ban, and talk about the “pros and cons.” He was a big fan of the current president, and talked in broad sweeping statements about policy on the world stage, while I pleaded with him to grapple with the stories of suffering people hoping to escape war and find safety for themselves and their families.

At the end of the night he said, “This was really fun, we should do it again some time. I really enjoyed the back and forth and hearing both sides.” It didn’t feel fun to me at all. Having a theoretical debate about people that are actually suffering was not my idea of a good time, and I decided that night that it was not a relationship I wanted to continue to invest in.

To me, reducing groups of people to political talking points felt dehumanizing and deeply unsettling, and I couldn’t ignore that aspect of the interaction. (Even as I pointed out this dynamic to my relative, I was only met with more “logic” and theoretical situations). Political ideologies centered on dehumanizing others are personal and to pretend otherwise for many of us requires the suppression of our core values. This constant repression will inevitably impact our relationships and connections with others, and can even impact our relationships with ourselves.

If you are someone with a marginalized identity in the US today, you already know the truth of this in your bones. If you don’t — we hope you can listen to those of us who are telling you that political ideology is incredibly personal, and to pretend otherwise is to protect an oppressive system.

red distressed workbook cover that says leadership worldview apologetics evangeliclaism wordlveiw acadamy student notebook — Many evangelical teenagers were exposed to “worldview” indoctrination sessions at their churches, youth groups, and special conferences (or simply in the curriculum their parents used at home)

Myth #3: We can find a way to come to a common understanding.

Lots of therapy content about reconciling political differences includes suggestions of active listening, empathy, giving one another the benefit of the doubt, and finding common ground where you can. This might work in some communities, and we’re not all-out disregarding the need for dialogue around important issues. However when it comes to a totalizing ideology like white evangelicalism, it simply does not work this way.

While there might be intentions on all sides to listen and engage, for people within a totalizing worldview, whenever an idea comes into opposition to doctrine (or the politics associated with the religion), it cannot be considered. If you grew up in evangelicalism, you know personally what it is like to listen intently to an “outsider's” views — all the while, filtering the information through “what the Bible says,” only agreeing with that which doesn’t conflict with your worldview. In this way, there’s an unspoken premise that says: “I can listen to you, take in your perspective and possibly agree with you — so long as it doesn’t conflict with my conservative reading of the Bible or what my religious leaders tell me is true.” And without naming this aspect of the conversation, engaging with those in this totalizing worldview can feel like running in circles.

For some of us, you might have conversations that move the needle slightly with your parents or others on certain issues. But more than likely, you will eventually hit a brick wall when your ideas of equity and justice conflict with their notions of biblical truth (“Truth with a capitol T”) or God’s ways (“The Bible says it, I believe it, that settles it.”) Unfortunately, many of us have spent countless hours engaging in conversations trying to come to a common understanding on issues like systemic racism, climate catastrophe, LGBTQIA+ equality, trans rights and more, while our parents or other loved ones not only disregard us but are unable to even listen and engage with any conversation that threatens their sense of self and worldview.

We find it best to take people at their word: when they say that they believe the Bible (the conservative patriarchal interpretation they’ve been given most if not all of their adult lives), above all else, it’s pointless to try to change that view. Perhaps you’ve seen proof of this: when progressive Christians cite the Bible or Jesus’ words in an attempt to prompt conservatives to reconsider their beliefs, these conservatives dismiss it as “liberal propaganda” if it challenges their conservative Republican politics.

Although it is incredibly painful, we need to believe people when they tell us they will choose their ideology over us and other marginalized peoples. But the positive news is that once you have accepted the totalizing element of conservative Christian ideology you get to decide how you want to interact in a relationship with someone who holds these oppressive religious and political beliefs — without expecting that they will ever change.

a handout for teenagers that shows the hierarchy of the creator god over the individual, family, church, and civil government — An insert from the Worldview Academy workbook. The path was always to start by molding the individual as a child/teen, with the ultimate aim of controlling the civil government according to God’s laws

Myth #4: Avoiding the topic of politics is the solution.

As mentioned above, many therapists have suggested focusing on points of connection rather than politics as the solution to our current situation. In that same vein, this Focus on the Family article suggests that parents deal with relational rifts by expressing their opinions less, and focusing instead on spending “neutral” time together, like going out to dinner. It seems this has been a common approach for many conservative parents and their adult children (and grandchildren): simply withhold their views and pressure everyone to gather together and pretend that everything is fine as a show of normalcy and having a “healthy” family.

But for many adult children, their parents being suddenly silent on politics doesn’t actually change anything. If the conservative parent has spent decades investing in anti-queer, capitalistic, and white supremacist ideology — whether listening to Rush Limbaugh or through countless Bible study groups soaked in this type of rhetoric — the adult child knows their real views intimately. In fact, this is exactly what makes evangelicals tick — the constant need to evangelize, or to make others know that their worldview is the only one that is true.

To make it concrete, let’s focus on one particular example common in our STRONGWILLED community: For most queer adults who were raised with religious authoritarian parenting methods, there is a deep pain of having a parent who believes your gender expression or sexual identity is sinful and something to be cured. That pain is not erased by your parents simply not talking about it, or by ignoring the reality that your parents voted for the rights of LGBTQIA+ people to be restricted across the nation.

Avoiding politics altogether often turns into a way to help conservative parents not feel discomfort by having the “goodness” of their worldview challenged. It allows them to spend time with their adult children, pretending that they are loving, kind people, never having to face the actual impact that their politics and religious ideology has had on their adult children and other marginalized populations.

a shite child's face with a bunch of colors in his eye. black text says how is your child's worldview being shaped and why it matters — For many RAP survivors, their childhoods were shaped by intense worldview indoctrination. Simply asking people to ignore this reality for the sake of “unity” doesn’t actually work.

Myth #5 Everyone’s allowed to have their own viewpoint and beliefs (and stay in relationship).

Lastly, there is a cultural assumption in the US that freedom of thought means that everyone can hold their own beliefs — without it impacting their relationships. At least, that’s often what both these family therapists and Focus on the Family believe. It’s also the message you’ve probably gotten too.

It’s not fair to ask someone to give up their religious beliefs.

We have to be able to agree to disagree.9

Can’t there be space for different opinions?

It’s controlling to ask someone to change their political beliefs.

These are problematic statements in general, but when they are coming from people who have loudly and proudly insisted on their totalizing worldview for decades, they especially fall flat. White evangelicalism teaches people that believing its doctrine is the most important part of life, and that a person should be able to hold its doctrine without recourse. But what does this actually mean?

This means asking adult children to keep someone in their life who actively works against their well-being and the well-being of people they care about. It means allowing someone into your life who thinks you or the way you navigate the world is inherently bad or broken. It means overlooking a large point of pain: to know that your parents think your relationship, gender expression, or concern for marginalized people is wrong and bad. It means repeating the patterns of childhood, where you are shamed or punished for being your true self, and all of your energies go towards upholding the worldview of your parents as “good” or “correct” — either explicitly or implicitly.

Close relationships are supposed to be places of refuge, safety, and belonging, where you can be yourself without fear of judgment. Trying to make a space that feels relationally close while maintaining everyone’s conflicting ideology doesn’t actually create the safety we crave. It creates emotional dissonance and internal confusion.

Yes, your parents are free to believe what they want to — and to live with the natural consequences that arise from those beliefs. When people make the decision to put up relational boundaries with their family members, it is almost never a sudden decision. Instead, it is an often agonizing unavoidable consequence of being in a relationship that constantly erodes trust and connection. When your parents have a totalizing worldview where they have to hold certain views on groups of people or parenting methods, it is unreasonable and unrealistic to think that their devotion wouldn't impact their closest relationships.

Yes, white evangelicals who gladly support an authoritarian leader can hold whatever views they want. And just like all other actions in life, it will have consequences.

another handout from the worldview acadamy that is called the end of the wizards ways. most notably it says that man is not good and what you fear is what you will worship — (the “wizard” is anyone who does not have a Biblical worldview)

Everyone has the right to determine how they handle ideological divides with family members, and there is no singular “correct” way to address them. You might choose to engage in ongoing dialogue, or you might decide that continuing a relationship under these conditions is emotionally exhausting or even harmful. You might decide that it’s worth maintaining some level of connection, while acknowledging to yourself that the relationship will not feel close or supportive. You might have a direct conversation with family members about how their ideology has impacted the current political moment, and how it impacts you and the people you care about. However you choose to respond, it’s important to acknowledge that politics deeply impacts relationships, and ignoring that reality comes at a cost.

In later chapters we will continue to unpack how parenting methods helped solidify an overarching authoritarian worldview for many parents thanks to Christian publishing and Christian media. For today, we are curious: if you grew up in a home that utilized Religious Authoritarian Parenting principles, do you agree with our analysis of a totalizing worldview? Did you grow up being explicitly taught about what a Christian worldview was? And lastly, how are you currently navigating setting boundaries in relationships with people in your life that have a totalizing worldview?