I'm childfree by choice, but that choice came after many years of struggling with infertility, so Mother's day has carried a host of emotions and griefs over the years. I never really know what the day will bring, so I've learned to just ride the wave of whatever comes. This year isn't bad, but I am staying off social media to avoid the deluge of mom posts.
I'm also conflicted about my relationship with my own mother, and how it's developed over the years. She and I butted heads constantly in my teen years. I just couldn't figure out how to be a compliant girl; I constantly questioned and pushed back where I was supposed to give in. It's taken decades for me to realize that was me trying to break through the RAP programming. Now our relationship is surface-level at best, and I've realized I don't need or expect to get acceptance or understanding from her. So mother's day feels incredibly forced. None of the cards seem to fit - I'm not "so glad she's my mom" or her "favorite kid" and I definitely don't want to say "there's no mom I'd rather have." Where's the Hallmark card that just says "You are my mom. Have a day"?
Yes there are so many cards / gifts that say "best mother ever" and it always makes me feel guilty. Also, I have heard from so many people who struggled with infertility about what an awful day Mother's Day was for them in the church. What an all-around traumatizing day!
There were many years I couldn't stomach going to church on Mother's Day. The service was just chock full of people talking about what HEROES moms were, and how loved and blessed and special they are. And then came the individuals who were either oblivious and wished me a happy day, or looked at me with such pity, as if I was incomplete because I hadn't procreated yet. Then churches started to try to include all women, which just ended up feeling condescending and trite. It's still easier to just avoid it entirely.
I was uncomfortable during the sermon and skipped the 'discuss the sermon' Bible study for this one just about every year.
So much importance placed on being a mother/wife. While I'm not looking to have kids, I guess I'm old enough now that people have also stopped trying to fix me up with someone to accomplish that purpose. But as a single woman with no kids, I don't fit into the pre-defined family roles. So they don't know what to do with me. So I'm lumped in with all the other adult females, they tell me Happy Mother's Day, and give me a generic gendered gift I don't want.
"... I've realized I don't need or expect to get acceptance or understanding from her."
This. So very much this. And one bumps up against the difference all the time, because there are so many references to mothers in this culture that presume a close, loving, safe, affirming relationship, and if one didn't have that, it sounds really different, and underlines once more what one does not have.
Related: VA Governor Glenn Youngkin (who is a Republican and a Christian nationalist) was invited to give an address at the VCU commencement yesterday. Many students walked out in protest of his policies as soon as he opened his mouth. As I watched the video, I was momentarily puzzled by his actual speech: he was carrying on about the importance of Mother's Day and respecting all the mothers in the audience (no! The students are the focus!). But this makes sense if you figure he's all about religious authoritarianism...
I see Mother’s Day as a test. How well will I honor my mother today?
I have reflected on how my siblings honor my mother. They all live on the same farm. I’m the only child who has moved away and stayed away.
My sister will provide some food for lunch so my mom won’t have to cook (as much — she still will, of course.) My brother will bring fresh vegetables from his garden or something he made.
I have always felt compelled to do it all — bring food, share something from my garden, and give an expensive gift. Why?
And yet, I’m still the “prodigal daughter,” my sister’s recent words.
I’m not going to the farm this year. I’m spending the day with my husband’s mom, who does not throw off any “test” vibes.
On a good note, my child last night said that I have only two gifts for Mother’s Day because it’s not a Big holiday, like a birthday. Yay!!! That’s progress.
My kids also don't make a huge deal about Mother's Day for me which makes me feel SO good (and like a cycle-breaker!). Although they both worked on handmade cards that seriously made my day.
Our parents come to us with so much expectation because of what these materials promised them. They're waiting for their prodigal child moment and it's not coming!
Ohhhhh I've been in conversations (as recently as today) where the perfect word for them is 'test.' I never thought of it like that before, but that is exactly what it feels like. I didn't see my parents today, but I'm sure there will be another test when we meet next.
This sentence resonates strongly: “For many of us, as we have grown into adulthood and explored our own autonomy, we have been dismayed to learn that this simple act of living under our own authority is seen as the ultimate betrayal.”
The most recent church I've been a part of has special sermons every Mother's & Father's Day, where the church I went to growing up never did. None of the ones I've attended use the umbrella graphic, but the most recent definitely comes the closest ("Follow me as I follow Christ").
At first the Mother's Day sermons were all very Proverbs 31 Woman, you too should aspire to do (and be able to do, and why aren't you already doing) All The Things.
Then a sermon was preached which was much more realistic because the topic was about how this day can be difficult for so many, or if you're just having a bad day in general. So then all future sermons on Mother's Day made this concession. This was a dramatic, needed improvement.
But they still have the special sermon Every Single Year. 'How to Be A Godly Woman' still, but with a text other than Proverbs 31. Pretty much always Paul. Spoiler - 'biblical' gender role enforcement.
And one of the only sermons of the year that has women as the main characters - don't worry men! We're not leaving you out! You should be godly too!
Then all the women over 18 (not just moms!!) get a gendered gift. I think a recent year was a plant. THANKS. MORE WORK. lol (And we all want flowers? Huh? Probably to set in the kitchen we're cleaning while we bake after we've shopped while the men are doing important men things.)
Similar vibes for Father's Day.
There were also giveaways for things like most grandchildren, youngest baby, etc. Also I recall men & women who were not parents but played that type of role were honored. I'm less squigged out by that recognition, but it still feels to me like 'you should be a parent' (Or at least a wife). If not, you need to pretend you're a parent. I don't want to do any of that. So there's no family role for me.
I have been away from this church for a bit now and didn't realize until I saw this post that I had forgotten about this sermon topic entirely and therefore didn't hear the sermon. And what I felt was relief.
Another idea in RAP is that if the kids see mum and dad having a loving a solid relationship, they will feel secure. On Mother's Day, I felt like every day had been Mother's Day, and she really hasn't done anything to deserve it! In life "under the umbrella", my dad lavished attention and gifts on my mum, we were often put to bed early so they could have time alone. If we'd been particularly challenging, she would send him in to discipline us - that might have been the only interaction we had with our dad that day.
That is such an interesting piece to analyze -- the mixed aspects of moms having things lavished in them.... But also being assigned the harrowing role that they are.
I'm childfree by choice, but that choice came after many years of struggling with infertility, so Mother's day has carried a host of emotions and griefs over the years. I never really know what the day will bring, so I've learned to just ride the wave of whatever comes. This year isn't bad, but I am staying off social media to avoid the deluge of mom posts.
I'm also conflicted about my relationship with my own mother, and how it's developed over the years. She and I butted heads constantly in my teen years. I just couldn't figure out how to be a compliant girl; I constantly questioned and pushed back where I was supposed to give in. It's taken decades for me to realize that was me trying to break through the RAP programming. Now our relationship is surface-level at best, and I've realized I don't need or expect to get acceptance or understanding from her. So mother's day feels incredibly forced. None of the cards seem to fit - I'm not "so glad she's my mom" or her "favorite kid" and I definitely don't want to say "there's no mom I'd rather have." Where's the Hallmark card that just says "You are my mom. Have a day"?
Yes there are so many cards / gifts that say "best mother ever" and it always makes me feel guilty. Also, I have heard from so many people who struggled with infertility about what an awful day Mother's Day was for them in the church. What an all-around traumatizing day!
There were many years I couldn't stomach going to church on Mother's Day. The service was just chock full of people talking about what HEROES moms were, and how loved and blessed and special they are. And then came the individuals who were either oblivious and wished me a happy day, or looked at me with such pity, as if I was incomplete because I hadn't procreated yet. Then churches started to try to include all women, which just ended up feeling condescending and trite. It's still easier to just avoid it entirely.
Yes to so much of this.
I was uncomfortable during the sermon and skipped the 'discuss the sermon' Bible study for this one just about every year.
So much importance placed on being a mother/wife. While I'm not looking to have kids, I guess I'm old enough now that people have also stopped trying to fix me up with someone to accomplish that purpose. But as a single woman with no kids, I don't fit into the pre-defined family roles. So they don't know what to do with me. So I'm lumped in with all the other adult females, they tell me Happy Mother's Day, and give me a generic gendered gift I don't want.
Oof I feel you on so much of that. We're almost through this year and have 365 days til we have to muscle through it again!
"... I've realized I don't need or expect to get acceptance or understanding from her."
This. So very much this. And one bumps up against the difference all the time, because there are so many references to mothers in this culture that presume a close, loving, safe, affirming relationship, and if one didn't have that, it sounds really different, and underlines once more what one does not have.
Yes. that resonates with me, as well. I couldn’t send a card this year.
Related: VA Governor Glenn Youngkin (who is a Republican and a Christian nationalist) was invited to give an address at the VCU commencement yesterday. Many students walked out in protest of his policies as soon as he opened his mouth. As I watched the video, I was momentarily puzzled by his actual speech: he was carrying on about the importance of Mother's Day and respecting all the mothers in the audience (no! The students are the focus!). But this makes sense if you figure he's all about religious authoritarianism...
Wow I saw some powerful footage of the students walking out, but I didn't know he was talking about mother's day! Wow.
I see Mother’s Day as a test. How well will I honor my mother today?
I have reflected on how my siblings honor my mother. They all live on the same farm. I’m the only child who has moved away and stayed away.
My sister will provide some food for lunch so my mom won’t have to cook (as much — she still will, of course.) My brother will bring fresh vegetables from his garden or something he made.
I have always felt compelled to do it all — bring food, share something from my garden, and give an expensive gift. Why?
And yet, I’m still the “prodigal daughter,” my sister’s recent words.
I’m not going to the farm this year. I’m spending the day with my husband’s mom, who does not throw off any “test” vibes.
On a good note, my child last night said that I have only two gifts for Mother’s Day because it’s not a Big holiday, like a birthday. Yay!!! That’s progress.
"Test" totally fits, and that just is a really sucky dynamic :(
My kids also don't make a huge deal about Mother's Day for me which makes me feel SO good (and like a cycle-breaker!). Although they both worked on handmade cards that seriously made my day.
That's such a good description.
Our parents come to us with so much expectation because of what these materials promised them. They're waiting for their prodigal child moment and it's not coming!
Ohhhhh I've been in conversations (as recently as today) where the perfect word for them is 'test.' I never thought of it like that before, but that is exactly what it feels like. I didn't see my parents today, but I'm sure there will be another test when we meet next.
This sentence resonates strongly: “For many of us, as we have grown into adulthood and explored our own autonomy, we have been dismayed to learn that this simple act of living under our own authority is seen as the ultimate betrayal.”
You put so clearly into words the mixed emotions I have about Mothers Day. Thank you. 💛
The most recent church I've been a part of has special sermons every Mother's & Father's Day, where the church I went to growing up never did. None of the ones I've attended use the umbrella graphic, but the most recent definitely comes the closest ("Follow me as I follow Christ").
At first the Mother's Day sermons were all very Proverbs 31 Woman, you too should aspire to do (and be able to do, and why aren't you already doing) All The Things.
Then a sermon was preached which was much more realistic because the topic was about how this day can be difficult for so many, or if you're just having a bad day in general. So then all future sermons on Mother's Day made this concession. This was a dramatic, needed improvement.
But they still have the special sermon Every Single Year. 'How to Be A Godly Woman' still, but with a text other than Proverbs 31. Pretty much always Paul. Spoiler - 'biblical' gender role enforcement.
And one of the only sermons of the year that has women as the main characters - don't worry men! We're not leaving you out! You should be godly too!
Then all the women over 18 (not just moms!!) get a gendered gift. I think a recent year was a plant. THANKS. MORE WORK. lol (And we all want flowers? Huh? Probably to set in the kitchen we're cleaning while we bake after we've shopped while the men are doing important men things.)
Similar vibes for Father's Day.
There were also giveaways for things like most grandchildren, youngest baby, etc. Also I recall men & women who were not parents but played that type of role were honored. I'm less squigged out by that recognition, but it still feels to me like 'you should be a parent' (Or at least a wife). If not, you need to pretend you're a parent. I don't want to do any of that. So there's no family role for me.
I have been away from this church for a bit now and didn't realize until I saw this post that I had forgotten about this sermon topic entirely and therefore didn't hear the sermon. And what I felt was relief.
I was feeling soooo happy this morning to do something fun together and not go to church!
Another idea in RAP is that if the kids see mum and dad having a loving a solid relationship, they will feel secure. On Mother's Day, I felt like every day had been Mother's Day, and she really hasn't done anything to deserve it! In life "under the umbrella", my dad lavished attention and gifts on my mum, we were often put to bed early so they could have time alone. If we'd been particularly challenging, she would send him in to discipline us - that might have been the only interaction we had with our dad that day.
That is such an interesting piece to analyze -- the mixed aspects of moms having things lavished in them.... But also being assigned the harrowing role that they are.