I found it interesting how the boundary you set for your parents to not talk to you about God anymore--even before you were fully out of the faith--just completely deflated their power that was so caught up in their self-image as "good people." That belief that "we're good people no matter what" is the heart of Christian privilege. It's the menacing sword of advancing white Christian nationalism and the shield of innocence against anyone who dares to question their authority and hold them to account. Their inability to continue their relationship with you without their weapons is both sad and incredibly revealing.
I set a soft "no religion or politics" boundary with my parents after deconstructing (I didn't have the understanding/language to call it a boundary then, so it was more of a plea for peace to head off The Big Fight Over Stuff.). It served its purpose for a time but also revealed something similar to me--that they just couldn't make the effort to engage with and relate to me without their sword and shield of self-righteousness. As a result I never felt safe to open up and volunteer my authentic self, and after 15 years of superficial stasis, no growth, and always feeling like a terrified teenager (all the while they chipped away at the no religion or politics barrier), I acknowledged that the dynamic wasn't changing.
And you and Krispin are right. The seeds of estrangement, disconnect, and divide were sown long ago. A relationship based on obedience and submission--rather than connection with a living breathing complex human being *they chose to bring into the world*--can yield nothing else. That's truly sad, and that's what I think a lot of us mourn.
We forgot to put it in the show notes, but here is my evangelical estrangement playlist as promised: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0QBNIzzUgIeHUgubfnq0kP?si=RJi_3f85T8iAaOmvPf3VOA&pi=LsZvY-38QGuK6
I found it interesting how the boundary you set for your parents to not talk to you about God anymore--even before you were fully out of the faith--just completely deflated their power that was so caught up in their self-image as "good people." That belief that "we're good people no matter what" is the heart of Christian privilege. It's the menacing sword of advancing white Christian nationalism and the shield of innocence against anyone who dares to question their authority and hold them to account. Their inability to continue their relationship with you without their weapons is both sad and incredibly revealing.
I set a soft "no religion or politics" boundary with my parents after deconstructing (I didn't have the understanding/language to call it a boundary then, so it was more of a plea for peace to head off The Big Fight Over Stuff.). It served its purpose for a time but also revealed something similar to me--that they just couldn't make the effort to engage with and relate to me without their sword and shield of self-righteousness. As a result I never felt safe to open up and volunteer my authentic self, and after 15 years of superficial stasis, no growth, and always feeling like a terrified teenager (all the while they chipped away at the no religion or politics barrier), I acknowledged that the dynamic wasn't changing.
And you and Krispin are right. The seeds of estrangement, disconnect, and divide were sown long ago. A relationship based on obedience and submission--rather than connection with a living breathing complex human being *they chose to bring into the world*--can yield nothing else. That's truly sad, and that's what I think a lot of us mourn.
Anyway here's my evangelical estrangement playlist contribution: https://blackrebelmotorcycleclub.com/song/bad-blood/