I found it interesting how the boundary you set for your parents to not talk to you about God anymore--even before you were fully out of the faith--just completely deflated their power that was so caught up in their self-image as "good people." That belief that "we're good people no matter what" is the heart of Christian privilege. It's the menacing sword of advancing white Christian nationalism and the shield of innocence against anyone who dares to question their authority and hold them to account. Their inability to continue their relationship with you without their weapons is both sad and incredibly revealing.
I set a soft "no religion or politics" boundary with my parents after deconstructing (I didn't have the understanding/language to call it a boundary then, so it was more of a plea for peace to head off The Big Fight Over Stuff.). It served its purpose for a time but also revealed something similar to me--that they just couldn't make the effort to engage with and relate to me without their sword and shield of self-righteousness. As a result I never felt safe to open up and volunteer my authentic self, and after 15 years of superficial stasis, no growth, and always feeling like a terrified teenager (all the while they chipped away at the no religion or politics barrier), I acknowledged that the dynamic wasn't changing.
And you and Krispin are right. The seeds of estrangement, disconnect, and divide were sown long ago. A relationship based on obedience and submission--rather than connection with a living breathing complex human being *they chose to bring into the world*--can yield nothing else. That's truly sad, and that's what I think a lot of us mourn.
You've said it before, and I know it from my own experiences, too. But I was just today struck by the deep parallel between the personal realities and the national/global ramifications of our federal chaos also being inspired by "control your children with the intent to break their will [...], and to make them obey you..." The exact way you said it is what really make it click.
Omg… I was recommended this Substack and specifically this post today on Bluesky Social, and the whole time I’m listening to this I’m like screaming inside “Yes! That’s me! That’s how I feel! That’s my life!” I can’t express how grateful I am to have found this Substack, and I appreciate you guys so much for making it. I recently (after about 20 years of relationship strain related to much of what you talk about here), decided to go no contact with my family. It has been so liberating and freeing. I spent SOOOO much of my life feeling all the things that DL talks about around 8 minutes in: sad for them, sad for the relationship I wish I could have had with them, angry at them, and on and on and one. It literally feels like my body is in a euphoria dump this past week since saying my piece (a little taste of all the things DL mentions in here about what causes estrangement) and finally blocking and moving on. I can’t wait to finish this episode and check out more. I literally went and paid for a monthly membership just so I could comment here and tell you how much this post means to me.
I’m back. 18 minutes in and now I’m crying. This is so so valuable and important for me and I’m sure for so many people going through this.
I'm soooo glad it's helpful! I know when I was first going no-contact, it was hard to find resources that felt resonant and supportive -- I'm so glad to be able to have these conversations. And thanks for joining the community!
We forgot to put it in the show notes, but here is my evangelical estrangement playlist as promised: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0QBNIzzUgIeHUgubfnq0kP?si=RJi_3f85T8iAaOmvPf3VOA&pi=LsZvY-38QGuK6
I found it interesting how the boundary you set for your parents to not talk to you about God anymore--even before you were fully out of the faith--just completely deflated their power that was so caught up in their self-image as "good people." That belief that "we're good people no matter what" is the heart of Christian privilege. It's the menacing sword of advancing white Christian nationalism and the shield of innocence against anyone who dares to question their authority and hold them to account. Their inability to continue their relationship with you without their weapons is both sad and incredibly revealing.
I set a soft "no religion or politics" boundary with my parents after deconstructing (I didn't have the understanding/language to call it a boundary then, so it was more of a plea for peace to head off The Big Fight Over Stuff.). It served its purpose for a time but also revealed something similar to me--that they just couldn't make the effort to engage with and relate to me without their sword and shield of self-righteousness. As a result I never felt safe to open up and volunteer my authentic self, and after 15 years of superficial stasis, no growth, and always feeling like a terrified teenager (all the while they chipped away at the no religion or politics barrier), I acknowledged that the dynamic wasn't changing.
And you and Krispin are right. The seeds of estrangement, disconnect, and divide were sown long ago. A relationship based on obedience and submission--rather than connection with a living breathing complex human being *they chose to bring into the world*--can yield nothing else. That's truly sad, and that's what I think a lot of us mourn.
Anyway here's my evangelical estrangement playlist contribution: https://blackrebelmotorcycleclub.com/song/bad-blood/
You've said it before, and I know it from my own experiences, too. But I was just today struck by the deep parallel between the personal realities and the national/global ramifications of our federal chaos also being inspired by "control your children with the intent to break their will [...], and to make them obey you..." The exact way you said it is what really make it click.
Omg… I was recommended this Substack and specifically this post today on Bluesky Social, and the whole time I’m listening to this I’m like screaming inside “Yes! That’s me! That’s how I feel! That’s my life!” I can’t express how grateful I am to have found this Substack, and I appreciate you guys so much for making it. I recently (after about 20 years of relationship strain related to much of what you talk about here), decided to go no contact with my family. It has been so liberating and freeing. I spent SOOOO much of my life feeling all the things that DL talks about around 8 minutes in: sad for them, sad for the relationship I wish I could have had with them, angry at them, and on and on and one. It literally feels like my body is in a euphoria dump this past week since saying my piece (a little taste of all the things DL mentions in here about what causes estrangement) and finally blocking and moving on. I can’t wait to finish this episode and check out more. I literally went and paid for a monthly membership just so I could comment here and tell you how much this post means to me.
I’m back. 18 minutes in and now I’m crying. This is so so valuable and important for me and I’m sure for so many people going through this.
I'm soooo glad it's helpful! I know when I was first going no-contact, it was hard to find resources that felt resonant and supportive -- I'm so glad to be able to have these conversations. And thanks for joining the community!