Thank you for sharing this part of your story. It helps me to process my own story. I feel like you were raised to be this unblemished sacrificial lamb that God so benevolently spared at the last minute. Ugh. Every role in a toxic family system is toxic, even the Golden Child. I see that now, after listening to all of your podcasts.
I related to this so much. Thank you for being so brave with your story. I will be passing it along to my therapy clients who can also relate. You’re helping a lot of people heal.
DL- thank you for this. You are putting into words how it was for so many of us in fundamentalism. It was so hard for me to face that my family/parents/church/religion was so broken. It was truly my whole world. Facing that has meant so much loss. And then being so angry that it wasn’t ME that was broken- it was the whole system. Breaking kids wills and indoctrinating them into living lives of fear and submission- it is so harmful and abusive. Now the healing and stopping the cycle. I could not pass along these things to my daughter. Even though I was so afraid I was committing the worst sin by going against what I was taught my whole life to believe. Just saying it out loud makes me realize how far I’ve come. We are all doing really hard work. Thank you and Krispin for creating a healing community.
My therapist helped me conceptualize the pain as attachment trauma -- because that is what it is. It is SO hard to face and our bodies and brains biologically are trying to protect us from facing this reality. I have grieved so much in the past few years, but it is getting easier. I am now living in reality which helps me honor my limitations and all my emotions (including joy!)
Thank you, DL for sharing this. Resonated with so many things that echo my own experience: mom is best friend, pattern of journal entries (god I want to be closer to you, press in harder, etc), literally tried to make god my every thought in college, fearing hurting people’s feelings (to the point that I couldn’t do normal levels of teasing), so afraid of disappointing people especially my mom, working at Starbucks, we are a good Christian family (got that feedback from everyone else too), southern Christian gender norms felt so constricting, no self-compassion until an adult, AND I grew up in Pensacola and started my hardcore deconstruction and deconversion when I moved back to Pensacola as a married adult starting a family because it was really triggering, especially the Christian radio station.
It was helpful to hear from another neurodivergent person socialized female and their experience. Definitely the canaries in the coal mine. Glad to have escaped and be sounding the alarm now. 💛
Yes, the Christian radio stations!! I'm so glad you mentioned this. It's amazing to me how strongly repulsed I feel now when I accidentally land on a Christian station. It was the soundtrack to many of our entire lives & now feels super triggering!
I know it was so hard for you to share this, DL, but thank you for your bravery in doing so. It really does sound (from the outside) like you are dead-on when you describe your upbringing as being in a cult of two. The emotional abuse (that I'm sure your mom didn't view as emotional abuse at all!) is so intense. No wonder it took you so long to unpack it all and start healing!
Thank you for your honestly. It's a privilege to hear your story. It reminded me of things I had locked away & forgotten. Like planning funerals, lol. I would worry about how I was going to honor my parents to the degree that they deserved, etc. As an only child, in a cult that my parents led, life was very similar to your story, but I knew deep down somewhere that it didn't feel right. In public, I was on the family/cult team, in private I was struggling to survive...not that they noticed. In my 20s, I was certain that if I lived for God & honored my parents, I would be rewarded with some degree of happiness or fulfillment. How awful it was when I realized that I never had a chance to honor myself. Like D.L., I found a husband who regulated my nervous system & he was initially impressed with my devoted perfect looking family. Yikes! I can't tell you how grateful I am for finding Strongwilled at this stage of my life...it is so healing.
"not that they noticed" really hit me hard. It's so true. I am so happy you have someone in your life with a calm nervous system!!! It's a gift and a privilege I don't take lightly.
Thank you for sharing this part of your story. It helps me to process my own story. I feel like you were raised to be this unblemished sacrificial lamb that God so benevolently spared at the last minute. Ugh. Every role in a toxic family system is toxic, even the Golden Child. I see that now, after listening to all of your podcasts.
The imagery of a sacrificial lamb was used over me (and prophesied over me) multiple times. It really is a toxic and sad role to be forced to play.
That is so awful, I don’t have words.
I related to this so much. Thank you for being so brave with your story. I will be passing it along to my therapy clients who can also relate. You’re helping a lot of people heal.
DL- thank you for this. You are putting into words how it was for so many of us in fundamentalism. It was so hard for me to face that my family/parents/church/religion was so broken. It was truly my whole world. Facing that has meant so much loss. And then being so angry that it wasn’t ME that was broken- it was the whole system. Breaking kids wills and indoctrinating them into living lives of fear and submission- it is so harmful and abusive. Now the healing and stopping the cycle. I could not pass along these things to my daughter. Even though I was so afraid I was committing the worst sin by going against what I was taught my whole life to believe. Just saying it out loud makes me realize how far I’ve come. We are all doing really hard work. Thank you and Krispin for creating a healing community.
My therapist helped me conceptualize the pain as attachment trauma -- because that is what it is. It is SO hard to face and our bodies and brains biologically are trying to protect us from facing this reality. I have grieved so much in the past few years, but it is getting easier. I am now living in reality which helps me honor my limitations and all my emotions (including joy!)
Yes! It’s still so deeply engrained in me. I still sometimes have a hard time admitting that it’s broken.
Thank you, DL for sharing this. Resonated with so many things that echo my own experience: mom is best friend, pattern of journal entries (god I want to be closer to you, press in harder, etc), literally tried to make god my every thought in college, fearing hurting people’s feelings (to the point that I couldn’t do normal levels of teasing), so afraid of disappointing people especially my mom, working at Starbucks, we are a good Christian family (got that feedback from everyone else too), southern Christian gender norms felt so constricting, no self-compassion until an adult, AND I grew up in Pensacola and started my hardcore deconstruction and deconversion when I moved back to Pensacola as a married adult starting a family because it was really triggering, especially the Christian radio station.
It was helpful to hear from another neurodivergent person socialized female and their experience. Definitely the canaries in the coal mine. Glad to have escaped and be sounding the alarm now. 💛
Yes, the Christian radio stations!! I'm so glad you mentioned this. It's amazing to me how strongly repulsed I feel now when I accidentally land on a Christian station. It was the soundtrack to many of our entire lives & now feels super triggering!
Totally!
I’m so glad you survived and now get to experience delight in being alive and in your body (even if it is fucking hard).
I once again got to see my story reflected in yours. It sucks for acknowledge that a parent was addicted to religion and you suffered for it.
I know it was so hard for you to share this, DL, but thank you for your bravery in doing so. It really does sound (from the outside) like you are dead-on when you describe your upbringing as being in a cult of two. The emotional abuse (that I'm sure your mom didn't view as emotional abuse at all!) is so intense. No wonder it took you so long to unpack it all and start healing!
Thank you for your honestly. It's a privilege to hear your story. It reminded me of things I had locked away & forgotten. Like planning funerals, lol. I would worry about how I was going to honor my parents to the degree that they deserved, etc. As an only child, in a cult that my parents led, life was very similar to your story, but I knew deep down somewhere that it didn't feel right. In public, I was on the family/cult team, in private I was struggling to survive...not that they noticed. In my 20s, I was certain that if I lived for God & honored my parents, I would be rewarded with some degree of happiness or fulfillment. How awful it was when I realized that I never had a chance to honor myself. Like D.L., I found a husband who regulated my nervous system & he was initially impressed with my devoted perfect looking family. Yikes! I can't tell you how grateful I am for finding Strongwilled at this stage of my life...it is so healing.
"not that they noticed" really hit me hard. It's so true. I am so happy you have someone in your life with a calm nervous system!!! It's a gift and a privilege I don't take lightly.
Wow! I cried real tears when you talked about fearing your mom’s death and your own death. That poor little girl walking through so much grief.
Thank you for the gift of your tears.