Growing up, I wasn't really allowed to be angry, but my caregivers were. Additionally, any emotion I expressed that appeared "disrespectful" (to their authority) was a punishable offense, a sin in God's eyes.
Same! As an adult I've been able to articulate that I learned to not trust my own emotions or instincts, and by extension also shut down joy, hope, and imagination. I'm slowly remembering how to listen to my own voice on those things. My wish for each of us is that we remember our own needs are valid and heal by honoring them.
I remember my parents mocking Dr. Spock but never knew why. This makes a lot of sense. We were allowed to watch Mr. Rogers, and to this day, he's a bright spot in my childhood memories. My parents wanted me to be something I'm not capable of, but Mr. Rogers loves me just the way I am. He taught me interesting things and played make believe with me, never judging or criticizing how I played. I've watched episodes as an adult and I still feel loved and seen by him.
Honestly, go ahead and blame the revolution on Mr. Rogers. I think he would be proud to see kids believing they are lovable and that others are too. He would be happy to support our efforts to make a better life now, out from under the thumb of authoritarian parents!
Thanks to my dad’s quick dismissal of my sensory overwhelm and anxiety over unpredictability and changes, which as a young child was expressed as whining and inflexibility, I learned having needs and even physical sensations was something scary because it led to isolation and relational breakdowns.
As a parent of a ND child, I’m extremely jealous of letting my child express and accommodate their sensory needs.
Repression was the name of the game in my house. We got told the Bible said “never let the sun go down on your anger,” so if you were upset you had to resolve it before you went to sleep and usually that meant the parents explaining how it was actually your fault you were upset and you had probably done something wrong to provoke the thing that upset you. We (the kids) weren’t allowed to leave the conversation if you got frustrated or were feeling unheard. Forgiveness was really emphasized but instead of creating grace it bred resentment between every member of the family. I had to teach myself how to feel and express emotions as an adult (in therapy) and it’s still something I struggle with, especially in conflict situations.
You write, “Dobson called Dr. Spock and those like him ‘permissive’ parenting experts and made a habit of blaming them for many of the ills he perceived in society.” In your research for this project, have you looked at the contemporary pushback on parenting approaches like gentle parenting?
While I think the discourse is very much online, I have heard multiple critics blame how “kids these days” are (especially behaviorally in schools) on parenting methods like gentle parenting (confusing them for permissive parenting), as if every parent is actually implementing those approaches in the home or, you know, there aren’t major systemic issues affecting education, mental health, etc. I know my brother-in-law and sister-in-law are in a Southern Baptist church community mostly made up of young families who, in their search for guidance, are directed to ressources like Tedd Tripp or Connected Families. Those appear concerned in building healthy individuals but instead train parents and kids alike to be hyper vigilant less they miss an opportunity to proselytize or grow their relationship with God.
Yes I am not able to research current methods, but it seems clear to me ppl who are drawn to these types of parenting books are also drawn to the churches who implement them. Of course, others get caught up in it as well. Most of the current authors are drawing on the works of Dobson, so going to the source is where we are directing our energies with the hopes that others take up the research mantel on current folks!
yeah, it all feels so complex to me -- whether it's family systems that aren't healthy and a kid is acting out, or perhaps a kid who is neurodivergent in a space that isn't accommodating.... but it's funny, I can't remember the last time I was around a parent (that I knew of) that was using these methods. Sometimes it feels like it's something of the past, but I definitely know that's not true
Oh I definitely know parents who are on the Authoritarian train. They don't necessarily talk about spanking or other discipline methods in public, but it's happening. They definitely still hold their kids to very rigid standards and leave very little space for emotional experience.
Extremes were forbidden in my house. You couldn't be too happy or sad or angry or whatever. You always had to have a handle on things.
I definitely benefited from Mr. Rogers and Sesame Street but Fraggle Rock was really important to me too. It’s still a comfort watch for me (both the OG and new one) and taught me a lot about gentleness and living in community.
I remember hearing Mr. Rogers say “you are special just the way you are” and immediately not trusting him because that message was in direct opposition to what my parents were teaching me. I believed him to be a liar. His message did not line up with my reality.
Also, if I wasn’t the problem then I had no hope of fixing me in order to keep myself safe.
"if I wasn’t the problem then I had no hope of fixing me in order to keep myself safe" -- this is it in a nutshell. So heartbreaking, and the reality for SO many kids.
Trying to process this as I write, but it seems that in my home we were only allowed to have big emotions about what we had done (we should be sad about our "sins") but not what had been done to us (we must "yield our rights" and forgive). I'm going to go sit with that for a bit.
Side note, about 3 decades ago my dad, an engineering professor, was reading a bunch of books on the brain and one of them apparently said that Mr. Rogers was more educational than Sesame Street - kids learned more from one than the other. It had something to do with the calm and simple way that information was presented. I wish I could find that book so I could get the full context and citation.
Yes, and thinking about how church services allow for people to express emotions in certain ways . . . Good Friday, anyone? In Maxwell King's bio on Rogers I believe he does talk about how Fred disliked Sesame Street because he found it too busy and chaotic and he thought children needed calm!
Wow this feels so familiar. That painful double standard of knowing in my gut that what our parents were doing to us was way worse than the things I was supposed to feel remorse about. Yet their actions were condoned. No remorse needed.
Ohhh. This must be why we never watched Mr. Rogers when I was a kid. I was born in the 70’s and most of my peers watched Mr Rogers. I never saw it as a child and my mom - a big Dobson fan - strictly controlled the TV for years.
I was raised mostly pre-dobson. Growing up, the family culture didn't feel very "emotional" except for my youngest sister, who had a temper (and for some reason, got to -- I was often at the receiving end of HER anger, and still am). It definitely wasn't OK to have "negative" emotions against our parents. I remember as a younger child hearing my dad say, "stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about." But at the same time, of my two parents, he seemed to have the best tools to deal with our feelings when they were big or hard, especially as we got older.
Our kids are grown, but I remember a conversation with my husband about how we'd negotiate letting our children express anger, because he felt he hadn't been allowed that emotion in his home either. So I do wonder if in the pre-Dobson world this was more cultural in general, and not just "Christian" -- his family sent him to Sunday school, but were MUCH less churchy than mine.
My dad was exactly the same -- he would say "stop crying or I will give you something to cry about" as well, but he was also the "safe" parent. He also wasn't raised highly religious but had parents that weren't comfortable with any emotions . . and ended up becoming very religious himself. For this project we are focusing on how tying this discomfort with emotions / trying to eradicate certain emotions in children with religious authority has long-term impacts.
What was that about with the siblings? My parents never protected us from each other either. I’m starting to piece together that nearly every terrible parenting move my parents did was based off of RAP teachings.
I would LOVE to know if there were instructions and sibling interactions. I’m processing all of the sibling abuse now.
It is pretty typical in toxic family systems for the children to be played against each other to deflect attention from the abusive or toxic parent. Usually there is the “golden child”, the “scapegoat” (strongwilled!) and then sometimes the lost child. These roles can shift and change — I was the golden child up until my 30s and now am the scapegoat. What it so sad is that even these relationships were taken from us due to enmeshment and triangulation. It is very common in these households for the grown siblings to not be very close, due to these dynamics 💔💔💔 We will be writing about this in later chapters, but there are lots of books on toxic or narcissistic family systems that outline these sibling dynamics.
I love Bluey. I was introduced to him by some friends who have kids. I was hooked immediately.
When I was very little, the only things I was allowed to watch on regular TV were Sesame Street and Mister Rogers. I was much more a Sesame Street kind of girl. I liked the tours and musicians on Mister Rogers, but once that trolley went through the tunnel, I frequently turned it off. I thought all that pretending was so boring. lol Funny thing is that now I love pretending! I do remember him saying, "I like you just the way you are."
What do you get when you cross Dobson & Mister Rogers? There's a joke in there somewhere. A very confused child?
Another great show about emotional regulation & I think it's by the same company is Esme & Roy. Glitter jars & slow breathing - that's what I needed as a kid.
In recent years there was a teacher strike, seeking a livable wage, among other things. My dad has been a teacher and works for the district now that he's retired as a para educator substitute. I asked what he thought and he said that he liked the sentiment of the people holding signs, but he wished that they wouldn't march and chant and "be angry"--if they would just stand there holding the signs, he could support that attitude.
I was/still am told how I should feel by my parents (however I’m no contact now). They always allowed themselves their emotions, but not us children ours (unless they aligned). Happiness and gratitude were always allowed, but any “negative” emotions like anger were heavily suppressed. It was *so tiring* (and many other emotions) to never be able to feel aloud how I felt. I had a few safe people thankfully, and then my internal world; they helped but they were not enough.
I was allowed to watch Mister Rogers, but I think as a kid I assumed all the messages of "you're special" and "your feelings matter" had an implied "as long as...." at the end. Like Dobson urged adolescents to search for their identity and explore their interests, but we know he only meant this within very rigid limits.
We needed to be happy and positive, especially as women. The boys/men could be angry. But none of us could be sad (unless it was about our sin). There was always a silver lining or a reason to “rejoice always”. There was not space for fear either, “fear not” and “God’s in control”, were regular platitudes.
Growing up, I wasn't really allowed to be angry, but my caregivers were. Additionally, any emotion I expressed that appeared "disrespectful" (to their authority) was a punishable offense, a sin in God's eyes.
DL has been doing some thinking & reading on this, but that expectation of kids to not be emotional.... it's so unrealistic and harmful.
Same! As an adult I've been able to articulate that I learned to not trust my own emotions or instincts, and by extension also shut down joy, hope, and imagination. I'm slowly remembering how to listen to my own voice on those things. My wish for each of us is that we remember our own needs are valid and heal by honoring them.
Thank you, Tiffany. I love this. Cheers to healing and autonomy!
Yes. Same. Especially my dad. He was very controlling of my emotions but he was allowed to be as angry as he wanted
I remember my parents mocking Dr. Spock but never knew why. This makes a lot of sense. We were allowed to watch Mr. Rogers, and to this day, he's a bright spot in my childhood memories. My parents wanted me to be something I'm not capable of, but Mr. Rogers loves me just the way I am. He taught me interesting things and played make believe with me, never judging or criticizing how I played. I've watched episodes as an adult and I still feel loved and seen by him.
Honestly, go ahead and blame the revolution on Mr. Rogers. I think he would be proud to see kids believing they are lovable and that others are too. He would be happy to support our efforts to make a better life now, out from under the thumb of authoritarian parents!
I love that Mr. Rogers found you. That's exactly what he hoped to do.
Thanks to my dad’s quick dismissal of my sensory overwhelm and anxiety over unpredictability and changes, which as a young child was expressed as whining and inflexibility, I learned having needs and even physical sensations was something scary because it led to isolation and relational breakdowns.
As a parent of a ND child, I’m extremely jealous of letting my child express and accommodate their sensory needs.
it can be such an intense experience to give your kid what you didn't get
Repression was the name of the game in my house. We got told the Bible said “never let the sun go down on your anger,” so if you were upset you had to resolve it before you went to sleep and usually that meant the parents explaining how it was actually your fault you were upset and you had probably done something wrong to provoke the thing that upset you. We (the kids) weren’t allowed to leave the conversation if you got frustrated or were feeling unheard. Forgiveness was really emphasized but instead of creating grace it bred resentment between every member of the family. I had to teach myself how to feel and express emotions as an adult (in therapy) and it’s still something I struggle with, especially in conflict situations.
oooof, the weaponizing of anger and not allowing your kids to feel angry and forcing them to be happy and forgive . . . that is a LOT of repression.
You write, “Dobson called Dr. Spock and those like him ‘permissive’ parenting experts and made a habit of blaming them for many of the ills he perceived in society.” In your research for this project, have you looked at the contemporary pushback on parenting approaches like gentle parenting?
While I think the discourse is very much online, I have heard multiple critics blame how “kids these days” are (especially behaviorally in schools) on parenting methods like gentle parenting (confusing them for permissive parenting), as if every parent is actually implementing those approaches in the home or, you know, there aren’t major systemic issues affecting education, mental health, etc. I know my brother-in-law and sister-in-law are in a Southern Baptist church community mostly made up of young families who, in their search for guidance, are directed to ressources like Tedd Tripp or Connected Families. Those appear concerned in building healthy individuals but instead train parents and kids alike to be hyper vigilant less they miss an opportunity to proselytize or grow their relationship with God.
Yes I am not able to research current methods, but it seems clear to me ppl who are drawn to these types of parenting books are also drawn to the churches who implement them. Of course, others get caught up in it as well. Most of the current authors are drawing on the works of Dobson, so going to the source is where we are directing our energies with the hopes that others take up the research mantel on current folks!
yeah, it all feels so complex to me -- whether it's family systems that aren't healthy and a kid is acting out, or perhaps a kid who is neurodivergent in a space that isn't accommodating.... but it's funny, I can't remember the last time I was around a parent (that I knew of) that was using these methods. Sometimes it feels like it's something of the past, but I definitely know that's not true
Oh I definitely know parents who are on the Authoritarian train. They don't necessarily talk about spanking or other discipline methods in public, but it's happening. They definitely still hold their kids to very rigid standards and leave very little space for emotional experience.
I love this so much. Making plans to rewatch some Mr. Rogers episodes. He made me feel sooooo good when I was a kid. ☺️
Extremes were forbidden in my house. You couldn't be too happy or sad or angry or whatever. You always had to have a handle on things.
I definitely benefited from Mr. Rogers and Sesame Street but Fraggle Rock was really important to me too. It’s still a comfort watch for me (both the OG and new one) and taught me a lot about gentleness and living in community.
Fraggle rock is incredible!
I remember hearing Mr. Rogers say “you are special just the way you are” and immediately not trusting him because that message was in direct opposition to what my parents were teaching me. I believed him to be a liar. His message did not line up with my reality.
Also, if I wasn’t the problem then I had no hope of fixing me in order to keep myself safe.
"if I wasn’t the problem then I had no hope of fixing me in order to keep myself safe" -- this is it in a nutshell. So heartbreaking, and the reality for SO many kids.
Trying to process this as I write, but it seems that in my home we were only allowed to have big emotions about what we had done (we should be sad about our "sins") but not what had been done to us (we must "yield our rights" and forgive). I'm going to go sit with that for a bit.
Side note, about 3 decades ago my dad, an engineering professor, was reading a bunch of books on the brain and one of them apparently said that Mr. Rogers was more educational than Sesame Street - kids learned more from one than the other. It had something to do with the calm and simple way that information was presented. I wish I could find that book so I could get the full context and citation.
Yes, and thinking about how church services allow for people to express emotions in certain ways . . . Good Friday, anyone? In Maxwell King's bio on Rogers I believe he does talk about how Fred disliked Sesame Street because he found it too busy and chaotic and he thought children needed calm!
Wow this feels so familiar. That painful double standard of knowing in my gut that what our parents were doing to us was way worse than the things I was supposed to feel remorse about. Yet their actions were condoned. No remorse needed.
Ohhh. This must be why we never watched Mr. Rogers when I was a kid. I was born in the 70’s and most of my peers watched Mr Rogers. I never saw it as a child and my mom - a big Dobson fan - strictly controlled the TV for years.
I was raised mostly pre-dobson. Growing up, the family culture didn't feel very "emotional" except for my youngest sister, who had a temper (and for some reason, got to -- I was often at the receiving end of HER anger, and still am). It definitely wasn't OK to have "negative" emotions against our parents. I remember as a younger child hearing my dad say, "stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about." But at the same time, of my two parents, he seemed to have the best tools to deal with our feelings when they were big or hard, especially as we got older.
Our kids are grown, but I remember a conversation with my husband about how we'd negotiate letting our children express anger, because he felt he hadn't been allowed that emotion in his home either. So I do wonder if in the pre-Dobson world this was more cultural in general, and not just "Christian" -- his family sent him to Sunday school, but were MUCH less churchy than mine.
My dad was exactly the same -- he would say "stop crying or I will give you something to cry about" as well, but he was also the "safe" parent. He also wasn't raised highly religious but had parents that weren't comfortable with any emotions . . and ended up becoming very religious himself. For this project we are focusing on how tying this discomfort with emotions / trying to eradicate certain emotions in children with religious authority has long-term impacts.
What was that about with the siblings? My parents never protected us from each other either. I’m starting to piece together that nearly every terrible parenting move my parents did was based off of RAP teachings.
I would LOVE to know if there were instructions and sibling interactions. I’m processing all of the sibling abuse now.
It is pretty typical in toxic family systems for the children to be played against each other to deflect attention from the abusive or toxic parent. Usually there is the “golden child”, the “scapegoat” (strongwilled!) and then sometimes the lost child. These roles can shift and change — I was the golden child up until my 30s and now am the scapegoat. What it so sad is that even these relationships were taken from us due to enmeshment and triangulation. It is very common in these households for the grown siblings to not be very close, due to these dynamics 💔💔💔 We will be writing about this in later chapters, but there are lots of books on toxic or narcissistic family systems that outline these sibling dynamics.
I love Bluey. I was introduced to him by some friends who have kids. I was hooked immediately.
When I was very little, the only things I was allowed to watch on regular TV were Sesame Street and Mister Rogers. I was much more a Sesame Street kind of girl. I liked the tours and musicians on Mister Rogers, but once that trolley went through the tunnel, I frequently turned it off. I thought all that pretending was so boring. lol Funny thing is that now I love pretending! I do remember him saying, "I like you just the way you are."
What do you get when you cross Dobson & Mister Rogers? There's a joke in there somewhere. A very confused child?
Another great show about emotional regulation & I think it's by the same company is Esme & Roy. Glitter jars & slow breathing - that's what I needed as a kid.
In recent years there was a teacher strike, seeking a livable wage, among other things. My dad has been a teacher and works for the district now that he's retired as a para educator substitute. I asked what he thought and he said that he liked the sentiment of the people holding signs, but he wished that they wouldn't march and chant and "be angry"--if they would just stand there holding the signs, he could support that attitude.
I was/still am told how I should feel by my parents (however I’m no contact now). They always allowed themselves their emotions, but not us children ours (unless they aligned). Happiness and gratitude were always allowed, but any “negative” emotions like anger were heavily suppressed. It was *so tiring* (and many other emotions) to never be able to feel aloud how I felt. I had a few safe people thankfully, and then my internal world; they helped but they were not enough.
I was allowed to watch Mister Rogers, but I think as a kid I assumed all the messages of "you're special" and "your feelings matter" had an implied "as long as...." at the end. Like Dobson urged adolescents to search for their identity and explore their interests, but we know he only meant this within very rigid limits.
We needed to be happy and positive, especially as women. The boys/men could be angry. But none of us could be sad (unless it was about our sin). There was always a silver lining or a reason to “rejoice always”. There was not space for fear either, “fear not” and “God’s in control”, were regular platitudes.