Community Discussion: Remembering What It's Like to be a Kid

Hello everyone!

One thing about this project that has been different than writing a book has been the ability to put different kinds of media into our posts. I loved being able to put music from my childhood in the post on Monday. Those songs are like a time machine for me, helping me remember what it was like to be a kid.

I’ve found a big part of the process of understanding religious authoritarian parenting is getting in touch with your own childhood experiences, which is not always (or often) an easy process. As we worked on this project the past year, we both found it emotionally harrowing at times to reflect on our own experiences as kids. Our brains often want to protect us, especially from painful memories. I find that often we know something about the pain and dysfunction of childhood, but it can be difficult to access our actual experiences. 

Alongside listening to music from my childhood, it’s been powerful to look at pictures of myself as a child. It gives me more of an objective perspective. I can see that I was just a kid, trying to handle life, maintain peace with my parents, and get the affection I needed and deserved. It’s not been a quick process, but through my own healing process, the perspective of myself as bad, rebellious, and deserving of punishment has faded, and looking at a photo of myself, I can see a child who needs compassion, care and love. 

If you’re able, this week consider finding a picture of yourself as a child, and spend some time with that image. Think about what was important to you at that age. What kinds of pressure were you under? What would you wish you could provide to that younger version of yourself? You might want to pull out a journal and capture some of these thoughts. If this prompt is too triggering to you, please practice autonomy by giving yourself the space to not dwell on your childhood / childhood self and simply think about our discussion prompt.

For the discussion this week, we’re going to the basics of autonomy: preference. We’ll be writing later about child development and RAP, but for now, we can start with what you like and don’t like.

This week, we’d love for you to share
1) three things that you like
2) one thing you don’t like

Simply stating preferences is a small way of building autonomy, and also a fun way to connect with others. Think about tastes, colors, textures, smells, experiences . . . it can be connected to your preferences in childhood or it can simply be what your preferences are now. 

Also, feel free to share with us about your experience of looking at a childhood photo of yourself if you choose to do that. 

The purpose of this substack is to educate and share common experiences in religious authoritarian parenting, but it is not a substitute for therapy. Please seek a therapist to address mental health concerns or trauma.

Comment Guidelines:

1. While comments are limited to paid subscribers, the comment thread is a public place, so post with an awareness that it could be read by anyone.

2. This is not a therapy space. This is a place to share about common experiences, but not to receive psychological support for trauma. 

3. If you are triggered by a comment or a post, we trust that you will be able to step back from this space and take care of yourself and your nervous system. For a list of nervous system regulation tips and tricks, see this post by DL. 

4. Everyone has their own experiences, and they might differ from yours. This does not invalidate your experience!

5. Please don’t give unsolicited advice (but if it is asked for -- feel free to share!)

6. While we recognize that we might have readers who used these methods with their own children, this project is committed to centering the voices of those who grew up as kids under religious authoritarian parenting. If another person talking about their childhood experience is triggering to you as a parent, we kindly ask that you deal with your emotions and do not make others do that work for you. Everyone here has had the experience of being a child dependent on their caregivers, and this is where the conversation will be centered.

This is a preview of our weekly discussion posts. After the month of April, these posts will not be able to be seen by people outside of the paid subscriber community. In May we will have a limited number of paid subscriber spots we will be giving to people from the LGBTQIA+ community, so stay tuned for that info!